Dude, where's my ship?
by Galaxy0909
Summary: The entire crew is high off of something, and Captain Picard approves! It's up to Beverly Crusher to get everyone straight before the Borg attack!
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

As Beverly Crusher headed down the hall to her office, her phone went off. She flipped it open. "Dr. Crusher."

"Beverly, it's Captain Picard. Would you care to join me in my office?" She thought she heard muffled laughter in the background.

"Am I in trouble?" she asked.

"Hmmm…I don't know," said Picard. "Have you…done anything for which you _should_ be in trouble?"

_Only found the porn you were looking at on the ship's computer, _thought Dr. Crusher.

"Nope."

"All right then, see you in five," said Picard.

"Aye aye, sir," replied Beverly. "I'll be over there in a jiff."

A few minutes later, she burst into the Captain's quarters. Riker was there, and the indisputable smell of weed wafted all the way up to the door. Picard was leaning back in his chair, laughing about something and almost falling backwards.

"Do you smoke?" asked Riker.

"I never did before," the doctor answered. "I don't find it really necessary, why?"

"Oh, cut the crap," laughed the Captain. "And take a hit off of this. We're having a great time!"

"Sir, with all due respect sir, do you really think you're in any state to control this ship under the influence of recreational drugs?" asked Dr. Crusher.

Instead of addressing her question, the Captain said, "Number One, pass Dr. Crusher that bong. And re-load it."

"Yes sir," Riker chuckled as he stuffed some more pot into the pipe. He leaned across the table and held it out to Beverly, but she didn't move forward to take it.

"You need to lighten up, Crusher!" said Picard.

"Uh, with all due respect, sir…" began Beverly.

"You were born on the moon, weren't you?" interrupted Picard.

"Well, uh yes…"

"Alright then. So stop being so down to Earth and have a drag."

"You know what? I'm gonna bounce…" said Beverly, backing towards the door. "I'll see you guys later, okay?"

Before they could say anything else, the Doctor was heading back towards the deck.

"I'm hungry…" she heard Riker's voice say. Once in the hallway, Beverly was stunned at what she'd just experienced.

"Computer," she propositioned.

"I'm heeeeere" giggled the female voice.

_Oh no, _thought Crusher. "Are you high?"

"Affirmative," replied the computer.

"Computer, display a map of the galaxy," the doctor instructed. "I'm going to have to drive this ship."

"The computer does not…ahhh…think that's a good idea," said the computer.

"Just _do_ it," said Beverly. "Don't insubordinate me, dammit!"

A map appeared on screen.

"Computer, how long will it take us to get to Earth's moon at warp speed 9.5?"

"Three days."

"Make it so," said Beverly.

"That takes the ship off its planned course," protested the computer.

"When did you get to be such a smart ass?" snapped the doctor.

"Star date 444…"

"Oh, shut _up_!"

_Oh well, _thought Beverly. _I'm sure _everyone_ can't be smoking up. _

She went to find her son.

"Wesley, you would never do anything like…drugs, would you?"

"No Mom, I thought we had this talk," said Wesley.

"Well, I know that there is a lot of peer pressure on the ship," said the Doctor. "Would you mind if I did a drug test?"

"WHAT?!" Wesley freaked out. "So you don't trust me now, is that what this is?"

"No, it's not that!" Beverly insisted. "But kids at your age lie a lot and there's been a lot of pot smoking going on around here and…oh, for Christ's sake just pee in a cup so I can test it! That's not an option. I'm your damn mom!"

Her cell phone rang. It was Counselor Troi.

"Poker is in the Captain's Lounge at 2100 hours," said the Counselor. "Are you in?"

Beverly glanced sideways, considering the possible option.

"Yes," she finally said. "I'll be there."

Closing the phone, she turned back to her son.

"Wesley, I want that sample as soon as you can," she commanded. "With all that's going on around here, everyone's been brainwashed and I can't afford to take the risk with you." And without leaving any room for further discussion, she turned and walked out.

Beverly met Counselor Troi for a cup of coffee in the cafeteria.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" asked the Counselor as they sipped their drinks. "I am, like, sooo hungry today, it's soo weird!" she exclaimed.

"I'm all set," said Dr. Crusher. "Hey, Deanna, is there any reason why you're so hungry? Don't take this the wrong way, but, it couldn't be because, you know, you've been smoking anything, could it?"

"Huh?" said the counselor. Her pupils were huge. "Like what, what do you mean?"

"I'm talking about pot," Beverly said firmly.

Troi gave her a blank look.

"Weed, grass, dope, marijuana!" said the doctor. "It appears to be readily available on this ship and I don't know where Captain Picard and Commander Riker got their stash, but I…"

"You want some, don't you?" the Counselor smiled slyly.

"No!" Beverly banged her fist on the table. "I want it stopped! I have the ship headed for the Moon, and I'm going to turn over the stash to the authorities there."

"Why the moon?" asked Counselor Troi.

"Because that's the only place I know where we can take it," said Beverly. "I'm _from_ there, remember? I don't want to take a chance on giving it to any aliens who might smoke it!"

Suddenly, Data appeared by the table.

"I apologize for the interruption," he said in his monotone voice. "But I just received a text message from the Borg. They state that they are" – he glanced down at his phone – "'going to blow this ship to hell and are not messing around this time.'" Data looked completely unemotional despite what he had just reported.

Troi looked at the doctor. "You are stressed," she remarked.

"Congrats," Beverly snapped. "It doesn't take a Betazoid to figure that out!"

Data looked at them, puzzled. "What course of action do you suggest we take?"

"Jesus, dude, I don't know!" said Crusher. "Give me a minute to take all of this in!"

"Compliance," said Data, beginning to back away.

"No, you don't have to like _leave_," said Troi. "Sit down."

"Certainly," said Data, taking a seat. "Pardon me, but whatever it is that you have been inhaling, I would like some of it," he said in all seriousness.

"See!" said Crusher. "I knew it! I knew she was on something! It's the weed, isn't it? Where'd you get it, Deanna? And don't try to lie to me!"

"From Will," the Counselor said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that's right, your _boyfriend_," said Crusher. "Oh Jeez." She looked at Data. "When is this alleged blowing up of the ship supposed to take place?"

"Approximately 48 hours from now," Data replied.

The doctor leaned back in her chair and glanced around, contemplating. "As usual," she muttered under her breath, "I'm the only one on the ship with any sanity."

Troi lit up a joint and reached out to pass it to Data.

"_No_!" Said Beverly, grabbing it. "Don't give that to him! You don't know what that could do to an android!"

"Do not worry," said Data. "I have done this before. In fact, my best performance occurs when I am under the influence of this substance. It causes me to think clearer and not be so uptight. It gives me the ability to laugh at humorous situations."

"Well this is not a humorous situation," snapped the doctor. "The Borg is about to blast us all to Hell. And if you guys won't do anything about it, I will." She got up from the table.

"Don't forget, poker tonight in the lounge," said Troi.

_**To Be Continued…see what happens in the next exciting chapter!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Dr. Crusher went to see Geordi. She found him in the lab doing an experiment.

"Hi Geordi, what are you working on?" asked the Doctor.

"Oh, this is my latest experiment," replied Geordi. "It's about why you drool when you sleep during the day, but not at night. It's fascinating."

"Oh. Wow," said Crusher, clearly not too impressed. "Well, I could have told you that the reason is because you –"

"No!" Geordi interrupted. "Don't tell me! I want to find out for myself."

"All right," said Crusher, casually walking along the side of the table. She folded her arms and stared off into space. "Geordi," she said.

"Yeah?" said Geordi.

"Do you know anything about anybody smoking pot around here?"

"Oh, I know some of the crew has caught on to the new fad," Geordi said. "Hopefully it will just be a phase. Personally, I would never do it myself."

"That's good to know," said the doctor. "What I'd like to find out is where they got it from. From my knowledge, marijuana is supposed to be extinct on Earth. There were thought to be no more plants left."

Geordi shrugged. "I suppose someone could have saved the seeds."

"True," said Beverly. "But you can't grow weed in space, so someone would have had to grow it at home and bring it on board."

"Yeah," said Geordi. "Or maybe it's Alien weed from another planet."

"Huh?" said Beverly.

"We've made quite a few stops on our journey," Geordi replied. "It's possible someone could have bought some weed on one of the planets we visited. You know how life gets boring and mundane up here in space."

"Well, if it is some kind of Alien weed, we could be in more trouble than I originally thought," said the doctor. "After all, we don't know what could be in that weed. Geordi, I'm going to need your help."

"Okay," said Geordi. "But not tonight. I have a date with Galaxy. I think I'm gonna get laaaaaaiiiiddd…"

"Okay! TMI!" said Beverly. "Look just…meet me at Sick Bay first thing tomorrow morning. We don't have much time, if your theory is correct."

"Well, what if it's not?" said Geordi. "I mean, I could be wrong, that was just a shot in the dark."

"Well, there's something else," said Crusher. She hesitated, not sure if she should unnecessarily scare Geordi. Besides, if she told him, and he told somebody else, then soon the whole crew could be freaking out.

"What?" said Geordi.

Crusher spaced out again, remembering the last time the Borg had attacked the Enterprise. They had dunked everyone's head in the toilet, given the Captain their famous "Atomic Wedgie", and reprogrammed Data to quote only Eminem songs. It had taken Riker and Picard weeks to undo what they had done. This time, however, was promising to be a lot worse.

Crusher leaned across the table and stared intently into Geordi's…visor. "Geordi," she began…

Just then, the ship's alarm went off. "All hands on deck!" the Captain's voice boomed over the loudspeaker.

'What's going on?!" screamed Geordi.

They both started freaking out and running around the room. "I dunno, I dunno!" shouted Crusher.

"We're all gonna dieeeee!" cried Geordi.

Crusher darted back and forth, and Geordi jumped up onto the table. Suddenly, the ship tilted to one side and the two went flying to the other side of the room, crashing into the wall.

Meanwhile, on the deck, Data was frantically pushing buttons on the computer, seriously panicking. "Sir, the shield is down to 80% already. We've been hit, sir."

"Shit!" said the Captain.

"We've got a call coming in," said Riker, displaying the screen.

On the screen, the Borg leader appeared.

"You're early," Troi said to him.

"What!" Demanded the Captain. "What is going on here? Did you guys know about this and not tell me!?"

"You were busy," said Data.

"Ha ha ha ha," said the Borg. "In order to stop blasting your ship, we are going to need…" he paused and smiled evily. "One _miiiillion_ dollars!!"

Picard basically hung up on him. "Those tools." He scoffed. "They don't have the equipment to inflict any damage on us."

"What the shit are you talking about?" cried Riker. "You just hung up on the _Borg_! They're gonna be pissed!"

"Indeed, you probably just signed us all up to be killed," said Data.

"Hey, since when don't you guys trust me?" said Picard. "I said, don't worry about it."

"We're gonna get our asses kicked!" said Wesley, shaking. "And when we do, I'm blaming you!!"

Picard looked very relaxed as he took a seat in his chair and leaned back comfortably. "Let's order a pizza," he said.

"Hey," said Wesley, glancing around. "Where's Lieutenant Warf?"

"In the bathroom, taking a mad shit," said Data.

"Dude, somebody better light a match," said Riker.

"Computer,"commanded the Captain. "Locate Lieutenant Warf. And get us a pizza!"

"Bathroom," reported the computer.

The Captain paged him. "Wa-uh…Klingon to the deck!" he laughed, snorting.

Approximately one and a half seconds later, Warf barged in. "Sorry Captain," he apologized. "I…must have overslept."

"Yeah right, you were on the crapper…" said Troi.

"You guys are really disappointing me today…" Picard mumbled, along with something else under his breath that nobody could quite make out.

"May I make a suggestion?" asked the computer.

"No!" said Picard.

"Uh....okay." said the Computer. "But just to let you know, the Borg are now getting ready for their next attack. You should be prepared to take a hit…"

"Take a hit! That's a great idea!" the Captain exclaimed excitedly. "Riker, get out the bongs! The giant one!"

"Not that kind of hit!" said the Computer. "Oh…crap."

Just then, Beverly and Geordi came running onto the deck. "Captain Picard," cried Beverly. "Please don't smoke any more pot! I'm begging you! This ship needs you to think clearly!"

"Dr. Crusher, may I have a moment alone with you?" asked Data.

"Why, Data, I didn't know you felt that way, but certainly," said the Doctor.

Out in the hall, there was a moment of awkward silence.

"Data," began the Doctor. "Just to let you know, I think you're a great guy, however…"

Data interrupted her. "I believe the pot came from the Vulcan planet. It's Vulcan pot," he explained.

Beverly's eyes darted back and forth. "What?"

"Vulcans," said Data. "As in, Spock…"

"No no no, I understand that, I'm just shocked," said Beverly. "Spock was dealing pot to the crew?"

"Well, wait, I didn't say it was Spock," said Data. "I am just saying, that after several hours of experimenting, I have determined that the pot came from the Vulcans."

"Well, what do we do?" asked Beverly.

"I have a plan," said Data.

"Okay, go ahead," said Dr. Crusher.

"First, we smoke some of it," said Data.

"Oh Data!" said Crusher. "Do I need to re-screw your head back on again?"

"Negative," said Data.

"Any way," said Crusher. "I like that you have a plan. Having a plan is the first step. We should have a plan. Now, you go back out there and I'll think of one."

_**Will Beverly think of a plan? Will the ship be blown up? Will everyone come to their senses? Will Wesley's drug test come out positive? Find out, in the next exciting chapter!**_


End file.
